midterms = huge time suck

This past week, my midterms started and I have another one on Monday.

I hate exams. I don't feel like they're necessarily a good measure of what you've learned, not for everyone anyways. For exams I just memorize and regurgitate facts and numbers and key points, but if the midterm assignment is an essay, I can actually express what I've learned and show that I'm thinking about the topics of the class on a level beyond flashcard memorization. luckily so far i've had essays or projects for midterms, but tomorrow i have a real test with short id's and a longer essay. and of course it's for the class i HATE because it is sooooo boring and unstimulating intellectually- Medieval Culture & Society. I haven't been doing the readings all semester because I had no need to, I went to lecture and took notes, and I went to section and listened to my stupid TA blather on and on, not really teaching us anything new, thinking highly of herself and making snide jokes which she thinks are funny, ironic, or make her seem "cool." she is very, very canadian. So now i'm cramming; struggling to do 6 weeks worth of reading, typing and organizing all my notes, trying to make an outline or something. not going so well. i'm just so unmotivated!

shmeehhhhh. the one thing keeping me going is that spring break is so soon! by friday afternoon we will be on our way, heading down the coast, me and my 3 dear roommates. so excited! hopefully we'll make it to key west by saturday evening/night but it all depends on traffic and driving exhaustion and whatnot. Going to Target later today, even though I really do need to study for this exam, to get a bathing suit and other spring break necessities. i can't believe i forgot all my bathing suits at home! i brought them home at thanksgiving and forgot to bring them back after winter break. whoops!

good excuse to get another one though, but will i get a one piece or a bikini? two pieces are still a relatively new concept for me, as i didn't even own one till i was about 19. I'm so pale and I've always been very self-conscious of my skintone and complexion, especially with my scars on my shoulders and now my new scars on my back from having shingles last nov-dec, so i guess i'll try things on and see. as always, julianne moore, evan rachel woode, nicole kidman are my celebrity confidence boosters as they are famously gorgeous, fair-skinned ladies! and now that i dyed my hair a gingery shade of strawberry blonde, (i was aiming for a far more gingery, reddish blonde look but the dye didn't have a huge effect on my seemingly dye-resistant hair) i can liken my paleness to their redhead/ivory skin example.

this semester has become so busy so quickly. between schoolwork, endless amounts of less-than-thrilling reading, waking up early for class every day, weekend shenanigans, art brigade responsibilities and teaching, working at the library, and dealing with other issues, i've hardly had a minute to think, much less blog or do my laundry.

i took some time this weekend to just relax, i stayed in friday night and slept for 13 hours, i baked bread yesterday (delicious baguettes which made yummy toast this morning), i tried to find some time to sew or crochet which i haven't been doing much lately due to the onslaught of work. i contemplated my life, my future, my friendships, my relationships. it's kind of been annoying me lately, on an entirely selfish and ridiculous level, that all of my roommates and i are single for the first time EVER in college, since both s and j broke up with their former bf-s in february, and within like 20 seconds they all have romantic interests. i've been single for almost two years, and nada. i know that i can be wall flower-y and it's really hard for me to put myself out there, and that's part of the reason i haven't dated anyone else. part of it is also that hopkins is not the ideal environment to find the kind of guy i'm attracted to: the poetic, creative, artsy, dark-haired boy who dresses well (no sweatpants! no frat t-shirts!), wears thick framed glasses (my weakness), and above all, is interesting to talk to. it seems like everyone here is an engineer wearing pajamas to class. and while i love pajamas and there's nothing wrong with engineers, it's just not what i'm looking for, clearly. of course i'm beyond happy for my 3 roommates in their new romantic pursuits, i like the guys they're seeing now and i'm glad they're enjoying themselves, but i can't help but feel a tinge of envy. it's lonely to be single for this long, to have no prospects, and to watch as all your friends go about in happy couples while you stay home. sometimes i feel profoundly alone, isolated, unattractive, mopey and sorry for myself, which i hate because UGH who likes feeling that way?

of course i know my life is full of amazing friends and family, i'm so fortunate and privileged not to have any major problems in my life, i'm healthy and young and getting an awesome education.... i just wish i had someone to share it with. it's harder having to watch others happy in their coupleyness, it's like i feel more single when my friends are dating. and then i feel like such a pathetic prune for letting my happiness be dictated, well no not dictated, but affected by whether or not i have a guy in my life. i don't need male attention, i'm not seeking male approval, i'm a strong, independent woman, so i feel completely ashamed and silly that i feel sad about being lonely. i just miss romance, i miss being looked at in that way, i miss flirting, cuddling, someone calling just to see how my day was, i miss going on dates, i miss being cared for and feeling loved.

but alas! life does indeed go on. i'll find it again, eventually, and in the mean time, i have my friends, i have my books, i have my art.

this week was a bit of a fail

so this week went by both rapidly and very slowly in weird ways, and two days of it were spent lying around sick, but also in different ways.

-monday: after medieval culture class (boringgg) and work, i had a long long serious talk with amanda about life and so many other things. catharsis x infinty. then we went on a valentines day date! minus celeste, who bailed on us in favor of actually doing her job as a ta and holding office hours. how utterly responsible of her! went to lebanese taverna which was so so delicious! we shared spinach pies, roasted garlic humus (complete with whole roasted garlic gloves on top which were kind of too roasted and brown in color, which made me think they were dates or prunes and i was very confused), felafel which was decent but not the best, and haloumi cheese which was the best thing ever. i am a haloumi addict for sure! and everything was consumed in conjunction with enormous amounts of their pillowy, puffy fresh-baked pita. the staff and other people at the restaurant definitely thought we were lesbians on a valentines day dinner, and were giving us weird looks. even if we were a gay couple, what's it to them!? we had excellent luck with the bus schedule timing though!

- tuesday: french class was boring, we're learning about the political system of France which i already know all about and so basically, the theme of that class seems to be doodle while the professor tells me things i already know. then i had poetics and politics of sex, which is an interesting class, and we discussed casina and lysistrata which we had read for that week, but by discussed, i mean he lectured and occasionally posed questions which he then answered himself. he definitely likes to talk, but what he was saying was interesting at least. he didn't give us a break though and that class is from 1:30 to 4 so i had to run out in the middle so i could go to the loo. i wish someone would speak up and be like hey nils, we should have a break in this 3 hour long class no? then i came home and started my laundry and lazed about the house a bit, if i recall.

- wednesday: didn't go to medieval culture class, just didn't wake up and that class is a major waste of my time. ughhhh. i know i should go, but i didn't. who owns culture was very interesting this week, although rodini also spent most of the time talking to us instead of having a discussion. it was very interesting though, we talked a lot about UNESCO and the relationship between the art market/art dealers/art collectors and the art or cultural objects themselves and also the relationship to archaeology. a few archaeology majors in the class definitely enlightened us on some really interesting concepts, like the art historical provenance concept versus the archaeological provinience concept. Then i taught at Tench for Art Brigade! it was great, we did a civil rights themed project since its black history month, we didn't have too many kids and the volunteers on my day were great. Harley and Ham were there too and it all worked out quite well. then i went home, did work and made pasta.

- thursday: woke up with a ginormous ginormous sinus pressure headache. could hardly see straight and felt like my face was exploding from within. took a bunch of meds and skipped french, thought i would be ok by the time for anthropology and fiction but i was still miserable and in so much pain, so i missed that too and spent the day on the sofa. at night i felt well enough to go to this senior cocktails night, which was fun and weird. we got slightly dressed up, myself embodying both mary poppins and hermione granger while amanda looked like joan jett in her all-black ensemble and rockstar hair. the event was fun, and there was free alcohol, but the food was shmeh and i hadn't really eaten dinner before hand which turned out to be a huge mistake. i thought there would be more food there, but it was all pretty gross and what was good was minimal in amount. i had 2 glasses of wine and then weston's roommate nick asked me to hold his beer while he went to the bathroom i think but when he came back he had another beer so i kept the one i'd been holding. weird beer exchange// he's a weird guy, though he seems nice. then we went to pjs and ginger lunberjack followed us there so he could put the moves on A. s j and i found this incredibly amusing. drank 2 more drinks at pjs --- biggest mistake ever. i'd now mixed 4 types of alcohol: wine, beer, gin and vodka. at some point at pjs, i blacked out.... i don't remember leaving or coming home or getting into bed. woke up at like 7 am in my dress, tights, cardigan and COAT. oyyy veeyyyy.

- friday: spent the entire day INCREDIBLY HUNG OVER. never ever have i had a hangover like this. i couldn't believe i had blacked out and didn't remember the last quarter of the night. luckily i didn't do anything too embarassing, according to jen, except dance wildly in the pub where no one really dances, jovially greet someone i was friends with freshman year but haven't talked to in 3 years, and try to help jen flirt with a tall dude. apparently i also ran around and was hyper and cheerful, and no one could tell i was black-out which is good. sarah was also super hungover so we comiserated and spent the day dying on the couches. eventually i had to go to work at 5 and that was a huge struggle. i have seriously never been hung over this way. it was like extreme hangover: lightweight edition. went to work, rented some dvds and had a movie/pizza/chill night with jen.

- saturday (today): compared to yesterday's total unproductivity, today i am super woman. woke up early and went to the farmer's market with sarah around 10:45/11:00. We got some beets, olive bread, tangerines, green beans, and i got a veggie empenada for lunch/brunch/whatever. delicious! when i asked the guy what was in the veggie empenada he said "the veggie empenada..... it contains.... veggies." UM THANKS CAPTAIN OBVIOUS. "right... what kinds of vegetables are in it?"- me. "ohhh..... *reads lists of ingredients off a piece of paper where he had them all typed out* and cheddar cheese." - empenada man who had ginger dreadlocks. he then proceeded to flirt with sarah. barf. but the empenada was delish. then we went to the bank, i deposited my paychecks (wooooo monayyyy), and then to eddie's to get milk and cereal and a few other things. and then starbucks, because, well just because. accomplished all this before noon! hyper productivity! once we got home we started cleaning the apt because we're having a party tonight, or rather jen is hosting the volleyball teams mixer and its then opening up to an open-party at about 10 or 10:30. im going to a potluck at the ginger lumberjacks house tonight, which i imagine to be covered entirely in rust-colored corduroy and buffalo plaid. trying to get A to go with me, but i think she's hesitant to show up for a communal meal at his house.... awkwardness potential very high. started cleaning my room but it's still a HUGE HUGE mess. oyyyy.


so now i'm just sitting at work, blogging instead of doing the readings for poetics/politics. need to come up with a way to shorten the name of that class, a la maniere de "anthro-fic" for anthropology and fiction, for which i have readings to catch up on. ayyyy. but it's the weekend and i survived a massive hang over so REJOICE.

anndd we're back

it's been so long since i last blogged (haha i almost wrote globbed) but it doesn't seem that way to me. Well, the first few weeks of the semester have been busy and tiring and full of random fun but also beaucoup de frustration. highlights:
- Celesteypoo turned 21!!! We went out to dinner at Mezze aka where the HEAVENLY food comes from
        spinach fritters, greek salad, out of control beet salad with oranges and walnuts, marinated feta cheese, fresh humus and babaganough and pita of course and more but who can remember the details when they are in a food-induced state of euphoria? i want to take my parents and noosh there when they come for my graduation because mediterranean food is our favorite and we won't have the whole meat-eater v. vegetarian tapas issue, except they will eat fish.
- C, A and I have begun dressing in theme every day so we wear things in our warddrobes we normally don't wear and also to combat the monotony that is the school day. So far we've been equestrian, zoological, Norse/viking, soft, russian (but like old country/ fur hat russian), and oceanic. A often wins ipso facto because her warddrobe is ginormous and she has a knack for theme costumes. I'm glad though because without these themes or any other direct encouragement to dress cute i tend to fall into my pattern of a grey shirt (why is half my warddrobe grey???), jeans and my caramel colored cardigan.
- things i've cooked: spinach-zucchini-feta patties, ginger blueberry clafoutis, mac-n-cheese-n-squash. lots of yumminess. and fattiness because CHEESE. i should start dieting/eating less shit soon so i can get in swim suit shape and also so i can snag a fella!
-classes: they're ok. la france contemporaine- ehhh kinda stupid and all things i already know, but ham and renee are in the class with me so that's fun. the radiator melted my shoe last week. medieval culture- so early so early so early, feudalism. poetics and politics of sex- too much reading for my sanity's sake, interesting discussions, hermaphrodites v androgynes. who owns culture- way too much reading, interesting guest lecture today, prof loves to give me the death stare when i come in 20 seconds late or drink coffee in class. doesn't she know who i am? ----> girl with coffee mug perpetually attached to right hand. anthropology and fiction- interesting reading, only had this class once so far, so we shall see how discussion/workshopping goes.
- getting closer to opening etsy shop. weeooooo!
- sleeping a bit more....
- drunken weekends
- picked up a shift at the circ desk since i didn't get as many hours as i wanted at av, interesting change, but involves more real work and less sitting at a desk and doing homework while people think you're hard at work as a student librarian.
- sooooo many textbooks
- dulce de leche amanda brought back from argentina = sex in a jar. speaking of sex, there are ZERO attractive/nice/friendly guys anywhere. got flirted with at av one day by a boy who was clearly a fresher. no thanks, 18 year old, take your little self elsewhere. got eyed by a fellow library worker who was fairly cute and wearing thick-framed glasses (ie sarah magnets) but couldn't tell if it was because a) he thought i was cute b) he didn't know who i was since i don't normally work circ and he was wondering who the new person was, or c) i had like spinach in my teeth or coffee in my hair or writing on my face. all of these things are not rare occurances.
- update complete!!!! also lemme just say this, ITS COLD AS A FUCKING ANTARCTIC WIND TUNNEL. frozen solid inside an ice tornado every time i go outside.

last semester ever.... maybe

Tomorrow is the first day of Spring semester, my last semester of college, which is hard to imagine/comprehend. Intersession went by very fast and now its back to the grind. taking five classes, possible i might have to add a sixth, but let's hope not. bought my books today, one class had 14 books, one had 9, and two had 1 each, and one had none, so..... i came home with 26 books. heavy heavy load, luckily i was at the bookstore after an art brigade meeting with ham and nona d and michael was there so he drove me back to my apt. ginger lumber jack hopped into the car on the way because he spotted us and needed help running an errand on shifty street near shifty, inferior liquor store. discussed focaccia with him and other bread goods. only way to not make it awkward with a boy you know for a fact used to have a thing for you and who knows you were nowhere near interested in him but want to be his friend is to limit the conversation to the only two common interests you have: baking and conspiracy theories. we always either discuss bread or zombies or aliens. anyways, it was less awkward than usual so wooot. great to see ham again and be reunited with her and nona d, or donasaur as we now call her, as we are the power trio! we had a lot of work to do for art brigade so our meeting was like 3 hours long, but we ate at carma's so it was tolerable, plus at least an hour was spent catching up. i had an apple alexander and a honey cappuccino, standard. the split pea soup looked more like green mashed potatoes and the girl eating it at the table near the front did not look particularly enthused so i went for the old standby instead of trying the soup.

speaking of soup, i made over the weekend a delicious curry- butternut squash- sweet-potato-apple soup that is soooo delicious! slightly sweet from the apples (though i used granny smith so not overly sweet), spicy from the curry, creamy, thick, warming, squashy..... major yum. thanks barefoot contessa, as always, inalicious! the reckster is supposed to get back tonight, Smcinty too, but seeing as its 1:23 am and neither have showed, I guess it's going to be Monday arrivals for them both. Miss them both but Jenbot and I have bonded a lot which is great. We have had regular date nights which ranged from cooking and watching bones on the couch (with wine), football party with homemade snack foods, going out to dinner or bars, and more often drinking tea and crafting while watching tv like the little old ladies we are. it's cold as balls but my new coat is awesome, though still entirely too big on me. never managed to get it altered when i was home. i'll wait till there's a warm week (above 37) and then i'll take it to some taylor michael recommended. speaking of, i haven't talked to taylor-dailurgh in ages. i miss her. she's awful at keeping in touch, though it's not like i'm super great. i should send her an email since she never responds to texts or gchats. i want to see philadelphia before i finish school on the east coast, or we could make a trip to dc together and see all the GW APA crew.

I was super nostalgic for France last night, and my experience there, and gruyere cheese. i was just missing the sense of adventure i had while there and how everything was a new experience, and just thinking back to how this time last year i was just starting off on my french semester, well, it's kind of sad now that it's over and a year away from present time. i loved france and want to go back, and i miss all my friends from the program. i was also anxious last night and kept having half asleep dreams that someone i knew was in the hospital. first it was annie, my biffle, and i had to go to upstate ny where she lives to see her in the hospital, she was in a coma and her parents were considering pulling the plug and wanted me to be able to say goodbye. talk about the absolute worst nightmare i've ever had, and i wasn't even fully asleep. even after i snapped out of that dream, i kept feeling anxious and sad about hospitals and sickness, until finally i fell asleep around 5 am. today i found out that my grandpa is in the hospital, admitted yesterday, and seems like he had a small stroke. he's fine now and there were no lasting effects, but it was bigger than the TFA he had during Rosh HaShanah, but the man is 88 it's bound to happen. he's almost 90 for goodness' sake. Still, the thought of him dying is absolutely unbelievable. he's my last living grandparent, since my mom is estranged from her family so i don't have contact with her father, who is most likely still alive because we haven't heard otherwise. frankly he's an awful person so i don't care one way or another, but my dad's dad, grandpa arthur, i love whole heartedly and being near him in college (since he lives in Maryland) has been such a treat for me as i saw him only once a year as a kid. Two of my good friends have lost their grandfathers lately, so that on top of the dream anxiety and the fact he's in the hospital have me on edge. He's spending the night just for observation and more tests, and he's on a new medication that should help, but i can't help but worry. i made him a scarf for his birthday this winter, and seeing his reaction to it and how special it was for him that i made it just for him was probably my most rewarding experience of 2010. i'm not ready to lose him just yet.

But he's fine, so I should stop waxing melodramatic and get to sleep. School tomorrow! Last first day of school possibly ever, and definitely for the next year or so! Wow! What a thought. I have no idea what I'm doing with my life but I am free and young and healthy and live in a peaceful democratic country where i have all my rights (what's up with egypt btw? i should call yoni) so i think i'm doing pretty well. fingers crossed for a good first impression tomorrow, maybe i'll even meet a cute boy!

jacquard crochet update: i started a jacquard crochet project that i'm really excited about, after starting a bunch of other ones that didn't end up working out because i tried to design them myself and the counting was off. i'd actually seen these slipper booties a while back in an issue of a crochet magazine that is sometimes slightly granny-like but usually okay, and at the time i'd wanted to make them but didn't have the time or good yarns for the project. since i have done two major craft stock up trips this winter and have plenty of yarns and since i'd been super excited about trying out jacquard crochet, now was the time! here is the pattern, it's for cool slipper booties which was another factor in deciding to make the pattern since my pair of slipper boots is currently hanging on by a thread. I never wear them in public (unlike my regular slippers which can pass for moccasins) because they resemble the dreaded uggs, but they're so nice in winter when its fucking FREEZING outside, like right now at a blustery 24 degrees. i have always hated how they look, so it's an exciting prospect that i'll one day have an awesome, colorful, patterned pair that i made myself. knowing me, i'll probably try to find a way to attach soles to them to make them outside-friendly and then i'll wear them in public haha.

friday update

still have not done laundry.
made cookies instead.
jen maybe broke her toe?
finished one intersession class that was only a 2 week thing.
zombie apocalypse movies.
pumpkin spice latte from chocolatea.
it's the weekend.


also, had a weird dream that had something to do with my blog last night, don't remember details but someone had read my blog who i barely knew and they knew all this shit about me..... weird thought.