midterms = huge time suck

This past week, my midterms started and I have another one on Monday.

I hate exams. I don't feel like they're necessarily a good measure of what you've learned, not for everyone anyways. For exams I just memorize and regurgitate facts and numbers and key points, but if the midterm assignment is an essay, I can actually express what I've learned and show that I'm thinking about the topics of the class on a level beyond flashcard memorization. luckily so far i've had essays or projects for midterms, but tomorrow i have a real test with short id's and a longer essay. and of course it's for the class i HATE because it is sooooo boring and unstimulating intellectually- Medieval Culture & Society. I haven't been doing the readings all semester because I had no need to, I went to lecture and took notes, and I went to section and listened to my stupid TA blather on and on, not really teaching us anything new, thinking highly of herself and making snide jokes which she thinks are funny, ironic, or make her seem "cool." she is very, very canadian. So now i'm cramming; struggling to do 6 weeks worth of reading, typing and organizing all my notes, trying to make an outline or something. not going so well. i'm just so unmotivated!

shmeehhhhh. the one thing keeping me going is that spring break is so soon! by friday afternoon we will be on our way, heading down the coast, me and my 3 dear roommates. so excited! hopefully we'll make it to key west by saturday evening/night but it all depends on traffic and driving exhaustion and whatnot. Going to Target later today, even though I really do need to study for this exam, to get a bathing suit and other spring break necessities. i can't believe i forgot all my bathing suits at home! i brought them home at thanksgiving and forgot to bring them back after winter break. whoops!

good excuse to get another one though, but will i get a one piece or a bikini? two pieces are still a relatively new concept for me, as i didn't even own one till i was about 19. I'm so pale and I've always been very self-conscious of my skintone and complexion, especially with my scars on my shoulders and now my new scars on my back from having shingles last nov-dec, so i guess i'll try things on and see. as always, julianne moore, evan rachel woode, nicole kidman are my celebrity confidence boosters as they are famously gorgeous, fair-skinned ladies! and now that i dyed my hair a gingery shade of strawberry blonde, (i was aiming for a far more gingery, reddish blonde look but the dye didn't have a huge effect on my seemingly dye-resistant hair) i can liken my paleness to their redhead/ivory skin example.

this semester has become so busy so quickly. between schoolwork, endless amounts of less-than-thrilling reading, waking up early for class every day, weekend shenanigans, art brigade responsibilities and teaching, working at the library, and dealing with other issues, i've hardly had a minute to think, much less blog or do my laundry.

i took some time this weekend to just relax, i stayed in friday night and slept for 13 hours, i baked bread yesterday (delicious baguettes which made yummy toast this morning), i tried to find some time to sew or crochet which i haven't been doing much lately due to the onslaught of work. i contemplated my life, my future, my friendships, my relationships. it's kind of been annoying me lately, on an entirely selfish and ridiculous level, that all of my roommates and i are single for the first time EVER in college, since both s and j broke up with their former bf-s in february, and within like 20 seconds they all have romantic interests. i've been single for almost two years, and nada. i know that i can be wall flower-y and it's really hard for me to put myself out there, and that's part of the reason i haven't dated anyone else. part of it is also that hopkins is not the ideal environment to find the kind of guy i'm attracted to: the poetic, creative, artsy, dark-haired boy who dresses well (no sweatpants! no frat t-shirts!), wears thick framed glasses (my weakness), and above all, is interesting to talk to. it seems like everyone here is an engineer wearing pajamas to class. and while i love pajamas and there's nothing wrong with engineers, it's just not what i'm looking for, clearly. of course i'm beyond happy for my 3 roommates in their new romantic pursuits, i like the guys they're seeing now and i'm glad they're enjoying themselves, but i can't help but feel a tinge of envy. it's lonely to be single for this long, to have no prospects, and to watch as all your friends go about in happy couples while you stay home. sometimes i feel profoundly alone, isolated, unattractive, mopey and sorry for myself, which i hate because UGH who likes feeling that way?

of course i know my life is full of amazing friends and family, i'm so fortunate and privileged not to have any major problems in my life, i'm healthy and young and getting an awesome education.... i just wish i had someone to share it with. it's harder having to watch others happy in their coupleyness, it's like i feel more single when my friends are dating. and then i feel like such a pathetic prune for letting my happiness be dictated, well no not dictated, but affected by whether or not i have a guy in my life. i don't need male attention, i'm not seeking male approval, i'm a strong, independent woman, so i feel completely ashamed and silly that i feel sad about being lonely. i just miss romance, i miss being looked at in that way, i miss flirting, cuddling, someone calling just to see how my day was, i miss going on dates, i miss being cared for and feeling loved.

but alas! life does indeed go on. i'll find it again, eventually, and in the mean time, i have my friends, i have my books, i have my art.