this semester has become so busy so quickly. between schoolwork, endless amounts of less-than-thrilling reading, waking up early for class every day, weekend shenanigans, art brigade responsibilities and teaching, working at the library, and dealing with other issues, i've hardly had a minute to think, much less blog or do my laundry.

i took some time this weekend to just relax, i stayed in friday night and slept for 13 hours, i baked bread yesterday (delicious baguettes which made yummy toast this morning), i tried to find some time to sew or crochet which i haven't been doing much lately due to the onslaught of work. i contemplated my life, my future, my friendships, my relationships. it's kind of been annoying me lately, on an entirely selfish and ridiculous level, that all of my roommates and i are single for the first time EVER in college, since both s and j broke up with their former bf-s in february, and within like 20 seconds they all have romantic interests. i've been single for almost two years, and nada. i know that i can be wall flower-y and it's really hard for me to put myself out there, and that's part of the reason i haven't dated anyone else. part of it is also that hopkins is not the ideal environment to find the kind of guy i'm attracted to: the poetic, creative, artsy, dark-haired boy who dresses well (no sweatpants! no frat t-shirts!), wears thick framed glasses (my weakness), and above all, is interesting to talk to. it seems like everyone here is an engineer wearing pajamas to class. and while i love pajamas and there's nothing wrong with engineers, it's just not what i'm looking for, clearly. of course i'm beyond happy for my 3 roommates in their new romantic pursuits, i like the guys they're seeing now and i'm glad they're enjoying themselves, but i can't help but feel a tinge of envy. it's lonely to be single for this long, to have no prospects, and to watch as all your friends go about in happy couples while you stay home. sometimes i feel profoundly alone, isolated, unattractive, mopey and sorry for myself, which i hate because UGH who likes feeling that way?

of course i know my life is full of amazing friends and family, i'm so fortunate and privileged not to have any major problems in my life, i'm healthy and young and getting an awesome education.... i just wish i had someone to share it with. it's harder having to watch others happy in their coupleyness, it's like i feel more single when my friends are dating. and then i feel like such a pathetic prune for letting my happiness be dictated, well no not dictated, but affected by whether or not i have a guy in my life. i don't need male attention, i'm not seeking male approval, i'm a strong, independent woman, so i feel completely ashamed and silly that i feel sad about being lonely. i just miss romance, i miss being looked at in that way, i miss flirting, cuddling, someone calling just to see how my day was, i miss going on dates, i miss being cared for and feeling loved.

but alas! life does indeed go on. i'll find it again, eventually, and in the mean time, i have my friends, i have my books, i have my art.